Remember what Andy Paige said the other night about the importance of finding your 1/3? In brief: 1/3 of the people in the world will hate you, 1/3 of the people in the world will be indifferent to you and 1/3 will love you. You are on the hunt for that last 1/3. Those are your people.

Easy peasy, right? Right… You’re probably thinking to yourself, “But HOW do I find MY 1/3?” Or, “It seems like no one understands me.” I hear ya. I really do. I’ve been there and thought you might need a little help. I can’t find your 1/3 for you, but I can point you in the direction of the Yellow Brick Road.

The 1/3 you are looking for (your tribe) is made up of the people interested in your journey, who are willing to participate in an equal exchange of energy with you, who accept you for who you are, who are willing to hold you accountable, who respect your boundaries and who never disrespect or disempower you.

So how do you find these people? The good news is, you don’t have to look much further than within yourself. The bad news is, you don’t have to look much further than within yourself.

Here are 6 ways to start building your tribe:

1. Trust your gut. Think about the last time you got a gut feeling or intuitive hit about someone. Did you trust that feeling or did you talk yourself out of it or let your fear of being _______ (alone, misunderstood, looking stupid…) come first? And how did that work out for you? If you didn’t trust yourself or let fear get in your way, it probably didn’t work out all that great. Trusting yourself above all else can be scary and yet, you can start by just listening and building what I call the “observation muscle.” Just focus on noticing those gut feelings, intuitive hits and inner knowings about things. You can worry about what to do with them later.

2. Let go. Once you’ve got the listening to your gut thing down - the next step is letting go when your intuition tells you this is not the path to go down. Fear is not going to like this. Fear will try to convince you that everyone needs to like you. Fear will tell you you have something to prove. You don’t - so just let go of it. It’s scary to let go and again, ask yourself, how has it been working for you to hold on? You are valuable because you exist. Your tribe will like you just as you are, the other 2/3s might not. If you waste your time pursuing the 2/3s, you’ll miss your 1/3.

3. Really listen. People will always tell you exactly who they are. The question is, did you hear them and are you willing to believe them?

Case in point: Years ago I met a fellow on an online dating site. My objective in dating was to find a long term relationship leading to marriage. His tag line was “Fun, young techie looking for someone to explore the city with or just hang out” and he thoroughly described himself as someone who liked working, having fun, laughing, relaxing and his life as it was (yes, I’m cursed with the memory of an elephant). Seems pretty clear from that description what he was looking for. He very clearly did not mention anything remotely related to finding a long term relationship leading to marriage. I didn’t notice/care. I was “someone” and he was interested in me. We dated. He was exactly as he said he was - fun, carefree. In turn, I was resentful and disappointed that he did not want what I wanted. I thought it was because there was something wrong with me and that if I could only be more something, he would want a serious relationship. Not only did I not listen when he first told me who he was, I didn’t hear him as he continued to tell me who he was. The result was a frequently frustrating and sometimes miserable relationship with an otherwise great person. Once I finally heard him, I was (and still am) able to enjoy him for who he was. He wasn’t a bad person and certainly didn’t deserve my resentment or disappointment. Nor was he my 1/3.

Incidentally, there’s a very popular book/movie about that “middle 1/3.” It’s called He’s Just Not That Into You. Maybe you’ve heard of it?

So, are you really listening to what the people in your life are telling you? Are you spending energy wanting something from someone who has no desire to share it with you? What might happen if you directed that energy into finding your people?

4. Believe you are worth it. The thing is, part of me did hear Mr. Carefree when he told me what he was all about. The part that heard him, was the same deep down part that didn’t believe I was worth finding what I wanted. Fear is clever like that. It will tell you you’d better take what you can get because there won’t be anything else. And really truly believing you are worth it is a life long process. In the meantime, you can act as if. Act as if you’re worth it. Do it 10% different until that becomes your comfort zone, then do 10% more.

5. Figure out what’s important to you. Think of 3 people you consider to be part of your tribe now. (And if you haven’t got 3, pick 1. If you haven’t got 1 - Hi! You’re in the right place AND, take this opportunity to get really clear on your ideal tribes woman/man). List their best qualities. Do they have anything in common?  Take the top 5 most important qualities and put them on an index card. You’re going to refer to this when deciding whether the people currently in your life are part of your tribe and when interviewing newcomers (that’s right - you get to interview potential tribes folk!).

6. Get clear on the rules. What rules do you have about how people can love you? None? I don’t believe it. We all have a set of rules or tests people have to pass before they’re allowed in. Before we’re willing to accept what they have to offer as love. You probably don’t think of them as rules, but they’re there nonetheless.

One of my rules used to be: “If they don’t make plans with me at least one time per week, they don’t love me. Once a week isn’t asking for much, I just can’t accept any less.” What I really meant was, “I’m afraid of getting hurt and being alone. I need a way to make people be with me - they have to spend time with me at least once a week and if they don’t, I’ll be alone and it must mean they don’t love me. If they can’t do that, they can’t be around me because it hurts too much and I’m too afraid.”

On the surface, the rules are usually simple and sometimes even seem reasonable. But underneath, they’re about our fear and the reality is, they’re pushing perfectly good tribes people away. What are your rules?

Was the path to finding your tribe what you expected? Notice if you have any feelings of disappointment. That’s where you’re at and that’s where you start. Finding your 1/3, your tribe ,isn’t about joining a new club, finding new hobbies or signing up for a dating site. Although those can be part of it once you’re ready. Finding your tribe starts with transforming the inside - facing the fear, opening up your authentic self, being vulnerable and taking a risk or two. Are you ready to get fearless?