Houston, we have blog! But the rest of the site is still a work in progress. This is me embracing imperfection, bare with me...

This poem has a permanent place of honor on my fridge - it inspires me each morning…

I will not die an unlived life
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.

~Dawna Markova

Remember what Andy Paige said the other night about the importance of finding your 1/3? In brief: 1/3 of the people in the world will hate you, 1/3 of the people in the world will be indifferent to you and 1/3 will love you. You are on the hunt for that last 1/3. Those are your people.

Easy peasy, right? Right… You’re probably thinking to yourself, “But HOW do I find MY 1/3?” Or, “It seems like no one understands me.” I hear ya. I really do. I’ve been there and thought you might need a little help. I can’t find your 1/3 for you, but I can point you in the direction of the Yellow Brick Road.

The 1/3 you are looking for (your tribe) is made up of the people interested in your journey, who are willing to participate in an equal exchange of energy with you, who accept you for who you are, who are willing to hold you accountable, who respect your boundaries and who never disrespect or disempower you.

So how do you find these people? The good news is, you don’t have to look much further than within yourself. The bad news is, you don’t have to look much further than within yourself.

Here are 6 ways to start building your tribe:

1. Trust your gut. Think about the last time you got a gut feeling or intuitive hit about someone. Did you trust that feeling or did you talk yourself out of it or let your fear of being _______ (alone, misunderstood, looking stupid…) come first? And how did that work out for you? If you didn’t trust yourself or let fear get in your way, it probably didn’t work out all that great. Trusting yourself above all else can be scary and yet, you can start by just listening and building what I call the “observation muscle.” Just focus on noticing those gut feelings, intuitive hits and inner knowings about things. You can worry about what to do with them later.

2. Let go. Once you’ve got the listening to your gut thing down - the next step is letting go when your intuition tells you this is not the path to go down. Fear is not going to like this. Fear will try to convince you that everyone needs to like you. Fear will tell you you have something to prove. You don’t - so just let go of it. It’s scary to let go and again, ask yourself, how has it been working for you to hold on? You are valuable because you exist. Your tribe will like you just as you are, the other 2/3s might not. If you waste your time pursuing the 2/3s, you’ll miss your 1/3.

3. Really listen. People will always tell you exactly who they are. The question is, did you hear them and are you willing to believe them?

Case in point: Years ago I met a fellow on an online dating site. My objective in dating was to find a long term relationship leading to marriage. His tag line was “Fun, young techie looking for someone to explore the city with or just hang out” and he thoroughly described himself as someone who liked working, having fun, laughing, relaxing and his life as it was (yes, I’m cursed with the memory of an elephant). Seems pretty clear from that description what he was looking for. He very clearly did not mention anything remotely related to finding a long term relationship leading to marriage. I didn’t notice/care. I was “someone” and he was interested in me. We dated. He was exactly as he said he was - fun, carefree. In turn, I was resentful and disappointed that he did not want what I wanted. I thought it was because there was something wrong with me and that if I could only be more something, he would want a serious relationship. Not only did I not listen when he first told me who he was, I didn’t hear him as he continued to tell me who he was. The result was a frequently frustrating and sometimes miserable relationship with an otherwise great person. Once I finally heard him, I was (and still am) able to enjoy him for who he was. He wasn’t a bad person and certainly didn’t deserve my resentment or disappointment. Nor was he my 1/3.

Incidentally, there’s a very popular book/movie about that “middle 1/3.” It’s called He’s Just Not That Into You. Maybe you’ve heard of it?

So, are you really listening to what the people in your life are telling you? Are you spending energy wanting something from someone who has no desire to share it with you? What might happen if you directed that energy into finding your people?

4. Believe you are worth it. The thing is, part of me did hear Mr. Carefree when he told me what he was all about. The part that heard him, was the same deep down part that didn’t believe I was worth finding what I wanted. Fear is clever like that. It will tell you you’d better take what you can get because there won’t be anything else. And really truly believing you are worth it is a life long process. In the meantime, you can act as if. Act as if you’re worth it. Do it 10% different until that becomes your comfort zone, then do 10% more.

5. Figure out what’s important to you. Think of 3 people you consider to be part of your tribe now. (And if you haven’t got 3, pick 1. If you haven’t got 1 - Hi! You’re in the right place AND, take this opportunity to get really clear on your ideal tribes woman/man). List their best qualities. Do they have anything in common?  Take the top 5 most important qualities and put them on an index card. You’re going to refer to this when deciding whether the people currently in your life are part of your tribe and when interviewing newcomers (that’s right - you get to interview potential tribes folk!).

6. Get clear on the rules. What rules do you have about how people can love you? None? I don’t believe it. We all have a set of rules or tests people have to pass before they’re allowed in. Before we’re willing to accept what they have to offer as love. You probably don’t think of them as rules, but they’re there nonetheless.

One of my rules used to be: “If they don’t make plans with me at least one time per week, they don’t love me. Once a week isn’t asking for much, I just can’t accept any less.” What I really meant was, “I’m afraid of getting hurt and being alone. I need a way to make people be with me - they have to spend time with me at least once a week and if they don’t, I’ll be alone and it must mean they don’t love me. If they can’t do that, they can’t be around me because it hurts too much and I’m too afraid.”

On the surface, the rules are usually simple and sometimes even seem reasonable. But underneath, they’re about our fear and the reality is, they’re pushing perfectly good tribes people away. What are your rules?

Was the path to finding your tribe what you expected? Notice if you have any feelings of disappointment. That’s where you’re at and that’s where you start. Finding your 1/3, your tribe ,isn’t about joining a new club, finding new hobbies or signing up for a dating site. Although those can be part of it once you’re ready. Finding your tribe starts with transforming the inside - facing the fear, opening up your authentic self, being vulnerable and taking a risk or two. Are you ready to get fearless?

Who posts their “About” blog after they’ve been blogging for a month anyway?

Wherein we establish that this blog is all about embracing imperfection, being human, living a conscious, authentic life, creating a new path and finding joy in what comes up along the way. And abolish the concepts of lateness, behindness and not-enough-ness.

Short n’ sweet. That’s pretty much it, right? Yep, pretty much.

 But for those of you who actually find benefit in my inability to be concise…

These past few years have been quite a journey for me. A journey toward or of what I couldn’t have told you until fairly recently. And then, one day it just clicked - my journey has been about embracing/creating/discovering what it means to live a conscious, authentic life. It has been about

• finding ways to “green” my life: to be harmonious with the earth
• letting go of social expectations: to be harmonious with my true self
• embracing and exploring the concept of spirituality: to be harmonious with all that is
• learning to see infinite beauty in people as they are: to be harmonious with my community
• focusing on well being: to be harmonious with my body
• choosing to think and do differently: to be harmonious with joy 

It has been about fusing body, mind, spirit and earth to create one vibrant, connected, community of all life as one. For me, anyway. 

And the blog is about sharing that journey with you. So that you can see it IS possible to have a much, much simpler, more meaningful life guided by your inner navigation system. That the outside can absolutely match the inside. That you can live your passion, create your own rules and still be at peace with all that you love and all that is. And (furthermore, moreover, indeed!!) you don’t have to go at it alone or in any kind of perfect, right way. It’s way more entertaining when it’s not perfect anyway.

 

 

Starting the week with good, because we need more of that.

News!

New Site Blends Social Media & Good News

I just came across this new site (their intro says they have actually been around since 1998 but just went through a big over haul) that is making an effort to do something a little different - and I likes it. According to their site, they’re all about,

[P]eople making a positive, constructive impact on society, no matter what the obstacles are. UP-BEAT, NOT BEAT-UP,  SOLUTIONS ORIENTATED MEDIA.

They’ve apparently been producing original Good News stories for years and are now introducing the ability to share “video, audio, text, join our blog, social network, SHOP and more on our site.” 

So, it’s like a little social networking site for Good News! I don’t know how it’ll pan out, but what a great idea!

There are hundreds of sites out there dumping negativity and hate into the world and spreading lots-of-not-love-or-community through their articles and forums (vis a vis The Superficial. Their motto? Because You’re Ugly. Oy vey.). It’s about time there was something for the rest of us (you know, those of us doing something different.)

So go have some “bright spots in the housing market” or community connection with your coffee this morning. 

Read the good.
Absorb the good.
Feel the good.
Carry forth.

 

Starting the week with good, because we need more of that.

News!

Government Fighs Poverty and Climate Change in Ecudaor

Ok, how sweet is this? The government of Ecuador is now paying the indigenous people of the Ecuadorian Amazon for every acre of forest they protect. Fabulous demonstration of the fact that, even in a country as pressed for resources as Ecuador, it is completely possible for government to be simultaneously pro-human, eco-conscious and creative. 

It brings me little flutters of good to hear about a government thinking outside of the box, in a way that supports and honors its people and the planet. How about you?

Read the good.
Absorb the good.
Feel the good.
Carry forth.

earth love, good news, pro-human

I quit today. It was a gut retching, battle to the death, stare-down at High Noon. A icky, full of loss and change and possibility, ness. But I did it, stood my ground. Cold turkey.*

*Well, except for the fact that I’m paid thru mid April, they wouldn’t budge on that…

And so, here I sit. With a big gaping hole in my identity, wondering if something with so much unsureness around it could be right, feeling full of limitless possibility and unbearable responsibility.

I quit the gym.

<cue crickets chirping with incredulity>

Yes, you heard me right. It’s kind of a big deal! 

Somewhere around November of 1998, I suddenly decided my life was incomplete. 

I needed to join a gym. I needed to be someone who goes to a gym. One of THEM.

(Notice I didn’t say anything about exercise or health…). 

I’ve had continuous gym memberships since that day, including a year spent abroad in college and the time I was unemployed for 6 months. I’ve been a member of the same Big Name gym since 2004.

I was Someone Who Goes to the Gym.

It can be pretty great being Someone Who Goes to the Gym because if you go to the gym, you know who you are. Or, at least, who you’re supposed to be. It’s an easy, pre-packaged identity- with it’s own set of expectations, behaviors and beliefs. If you go to the gym, you don’t have to think about a whole host of other things: what might be a joyful-truly-you way to spend your Saturday morning, what type of movement resonates with your body and spirit, what type of foods fill you up and make you passionate about life, perhaps even who you would like to spend your time with. Those things sound nice, but they’re also full of hard&scary. 

Bonus! Who You Should Be canned  free! with membership.

Buyer beware - You, like me, might be purchasing the privilege of not having to be with yourself overly much…

For instance, if you’re someone who goes to the gym, it goes without saying that you are someone who thinks about food in a certain… way. Perhaps you obsesses about what you eat - eating healthfully, not healthfully enough, feeling guilty about not eating healthfully enough, wondering what healthful even means, wondering if you are doing it better or worse than the person on the treadmill next to you. You read well worn (and germy!) copies of Shape, Fitness and Women’s Health and, if you go regularly enough, you absorb the Fad Diet of the Week. You feel like you never entirely grasp what exactly you should be eating, but you know you’re not there yet, and you know you need to keep trying. You won’t ever have to the time to stop and think about what resonates with your body because your head is entirely too full of all this other stuff, because you are Someone Who Goes To The Gym.

You don’t have to spend any time with your body. You don’t have to face your fears.

When was the last time you really listened to your body? (Ehem. Ladies?) If you go to the gym, all that is taken care of for you. You’ve done your duty, can check “body” off the list for a day or two. No need to do any of that wacky meditation/listening/sitting with yourself mumbo jumbo. You go to the gym. You’re doing all you can, you have fulfilled your responsibility to yourself and society. You are not lazy. 

It was a good run, those 10 years or so. Gave me what I needed for many years and kept me reasonably fit. And, then, one day it occurred to me…

I hate going to the gym. 

I don’t hate exercise. I hate the gym. It might be one way to care for my body, but every physical benefit reaped by going to the gym and being Someone Who Goes to the Gym was offset by the crushing, malarial effect it had on my spirit and overall well being. It’s loud, dirty, overly bright, isolating, full of expectation and artificial in every way. Really. If you think about it, the only natural element inside a gym is the water coming out of the showers. 

I can simply no longer bare to spend 7-10 hours a week trapped inside a giant box breathing an elixir of not-my-sweat and chemicals, running nowhere while watching CNN, having hip hop pumped into my ears at a jarring volume and stuffing my face with little vitamin turds and radioactive colored water. 

It’s offensive to every single one of my senses simultaneously and I refuse to accept that this is what I must submit to for health. 

I mean, seriously? What happened to us? 

Does anyone else see the absurdity in climbing 40 flights of stairs and going absolutely nowhere? It’s just weird! What happened to the time when we used our bodies in the natural course of life? What happened to the time when we had time to live?

I desperately want a more authentic experience of life. The way I spend my time, the way I choose to honor my health and beingness have a tremendous impact on this experience. So here I am. A quitter. And it feels awfully lonely at the moment.

It feels like anything I could do outside of the gym could not possibly be enough. I’m still just a bit attached to the idea that gym=rightness, Enough, etc. Most of us live so deeply intrenched in 20th century artificial efficiency that good old fashioned living just seems, well, unnatural. I’m releasing, but definitely not exempt from that mindset. 

So now, I am Someone Who…

Has the opportunity to do a whole lot of thinking about exactly how I want this authentic thing to go. Who is creating and stumbling and listening. Who is simplifying.

It’s a lot of exciting and a lot of responsibility. Responsibility for my health. I can no longer just do my civic duty by going to the gym and call it a day (not that that was actually working before, but the illusion was awesome). Responsibility for my joy. No more doing it because I should. Responsibility for the relationship between body and self.

Responsibility for creating my experience of life, health and well being. For living in alignment with my values (secret code word!!), rather than limply absorbing the status quo.

 

 

authentic life, fitness, life alignment, personal responsibility, simplifying, values